What It Means To Be Lonely
by diamond-in-the-rough22
Summary: Ryuji hasn't been dealing with Taiga leaving to find herself very well, but a remembrance of a conversation almost forgotten starts the healing process. Ami tries to teach Ryuji the same lesson he taught her standing on a beach with fireworks going off. Can they, or anyone else, answer the question of what it means to be lonely, and how to do something about it?


What It Means To Be Lonely

It all started with a text message…

Something that barely anyone did 20 years ago was now something that could shake him to his very core.

Letters and words made up of nothing but pixels and light could make time stand still. Lungs needed no breath and the mind needed no thoughts. In that absolute silent after receiving a text message like that, that is when it is toughest to hear.

You can barely hold your phone straight. Your body shakes, just like the vibration from a text message.

Ryuji should have been used to the routine by now. Wake up, get ready and dressed, prepare food for both him and his mother, then leave for school. After years of doing this, he has perfected this routine. The only thing? He was sick it.

The monotony of this routine wasn't what made him sick. In fact, he could barely keep a smile off his face doing this same routine just a year ago. At first, his smile was because of Minori Kushieda. While a lot of things changed between then and now, he believed and told himself that all those feelings were legitimate. Those smiles weren't lies. But what did change was the reason for his smile, another classmate that he fell in love with. But the reasons for the smile were also now why he hated this routine.

Ryuji Takasu was sick and tired of this routine reminding him of Taiga Aisaka.

Those reminders started with his mother. While she was still the cheery and hopeless mother she always was, there seemed to be just that little bit missing. Maybe it was a little light in her eyes that disappeared, or maybe it was the poor conversation at the table when they ate. Taiga had truly become part of the family.

His mood was getting worse as he started preparing the food. It was clearly evident to him that he only had to prepare one lunch to bring to school. He hoped that she was continuing to eat healthy and avoid the convenience store food. That's what he wanted to believe so that's what he told himself. He made sure that each meal in the Takasu household included meat, even to this day.

But the last part of the morning routine was what hurt him the most. It was simply taking the first step out of his apartment. What did he see? The memories of Taiga and all the time he spent in her apartment. He still cringes to himself every time he remembers himself trying to get into Taiga's condo as a Santa Bear.

With this morning fully ruined, Ryuji began his journey to school. As if he didn't have enough weighing him down, he also had to deal with college entrance exams during his final year of high school. His mother made sure he was able to go to all the cram schools he wanted and to support him in whatever way she could. His group of friends also continued the study group they started near the end of the last school year.

He could tell it was a huge help to everyone in the group, but alas, there was no Taiga there. Spending that time with his friends did help him numb the paid a little, but it also served as a reminder that she wasn't here anymore. He wasn't proud of it, but he has lied to everyone on a couple of occasions that he was sick to skip out on the group and wallow in his own sadness.

_*bzzzz*_

Ryuji didn't know why he continued to do this, but that simple buzz from his phone made his heart start beating and his breath quicken.

_This time it could be Taiga!_

He quickly brought his shaking hand up to check the message. Unfortunately, he was disappointed again, just like the other countless times. The message was actually from his good friend Yuukasu Kitamura:

**Kitamura: Are you good for the study group tonight?**

Ryuji contemplated skipping out again, but even he was starting to feel a little lonely sitting in the apartment alone at nights.

**Ryuji: Yeah, I think I can make it. Will we be meeting up at the usual restaurant?**

As Ryuji went to put his phone back in his pocket it immediately buzzed again. _Were you watching your phone waiting for my reply?_

**Kitamura: That's great to hear! We don't have a location set though. We'll all get together at lunch and decide that.**

With no clear need to respond, Ryuji slipped the phone back into his pocket and continued on his journey to school. _I'm seeing Kitamura and everyone at school in 20 minutes anyway. No need to waste phone data._

With the morning routine now finished, Ryuji now moved onto the next routine of the day, or maybe he should be calling these ruts. This routine consisted on intent listening and note taking. He was able to get his mind off of Taiga while his mind was occupied throughout the school day at least. But he always dreaded lunch as it broke him out of this narrow minded focus. While he always ate lunch with friends, even he could tell he was being a stick in the mud. His half-hearted smiles, longing sighs, and terrible small talk all gave away his true thoughts. He knew he was being unfair to his friends, but something was keeping him from doing anything about it.

Lost in these thoughts when lunch started, Ryuji suddenly found himself surrounded by everyone from the study group. He didn't even notice them until Haruta nudged him with his shoulder.

"Oh hey everyone, shouldn't you all be eating your lunch by now?" Ryuji asked surprised by the seven people and desks now surrounding him.

Another one of his friends, Noto, explained, "What did you expect us to do? We all tried to call you over about three times but you didn't even act like you heard us."

"Yeah, you were just staring off into space and the lesson was already over," Haruta added. "If you aren't going to eat your lunch, I'm always available to eat an extra one."

As Haruta started to inch closer to his lunch, Ryuji pushed him away, "Don't even think about it."

It was moments like this that got Ryuji to temporally forget about Taiga leaving and enjoy his time with his friends. He truly appreciated Haruta and Noto and how quickly they became friends at the start of second year. They knew who Ryuji truly was and looked past his mean-look and permanent scowl. He was hoping he wouldn't lose their friendship after high school.

"But in all seriousness Ryuji, you need to come to this study group! You are like the third smartest in the group and can always keep focused. It's really not the same when you aren't there." Maya exclaimed.

"I would agree, it is a win-win for everyone when you can make it," Nanako added.

While he wasn't sure if he was officially friends with Maya and Nanako at this point, they were spending much more time together thanks to the study group. Even with that, Ryuji felt like he could rely on them without any judgement.

"Everyone is correct Ryuji," Kitamura declared going into student council president mode. "This is the college entrance exam we are talking about. This isn't something anybody should by taking lightly."

Ryuji sighed and responded, "Thanks Mom. I get enough of that from my actual Mom. And I keep telling you that I've actually been sick. Why is that so heard for you to believe? It's getting colder by the day now that it's fall.

"Because we know you're lying."

Minori Kushedia… the usually out-going and loud girl was strangely quiet up until this point. Ryuji jerked his head over to her and met her eyes with his own.

"We've talked through this all before," Ryuji counterd. "Taiga leaving is certainly hard for me, but I'm man enough to tough it out."

"I didn't even mention Taiga, why did you jump to her when we were talking about you being sick?"

"…" All Ryuji could do was stare at Minori and echo the words she said to him in his head. But Minori was in no mood for it and returned the stare right back at him. There was a time, not too long ago, when Ryuji would have fainted from this eye contact with Minori… but that all seemed like a lifetime ago at this moment.

Ever since Taiga left it seemed like these two were always walking on thin ice with their interactions. The two had a mutual crush on each other but it wasn't meant to be. Getting over those complicated feelings would take time to thaw, if they actually ever did. But right now, all that ice they were treading on before was being directed in each of their stares.

After a short amount of time with no one knowing what to say to break the deadlock, it was Kitamura who finally stood up, "Hey now, a discussion like this is inappropriate for the lunch hour. This isn't why we all got together." Kitamura gave Ryuji his own little stare, silently telling him that a deeper conversation is needed for this Taiga issue.

Feeling cornered by his friends, Ryuji chose to surrender, "Yeah yeah, it all seems pointless right now. So what did you all actually want to talk about?"

Maya, eager to end this awkward tension, quickly explained, "We need to determine who's going to host our study group tonight. Our usual restaurant was booked out tonight for some event, or at least that's what Kushieda told us."

"That might even be better, no noise from other people eating to distract us," Noto jumped in with.

Ryuji was feeling like a complete burden to the group by now so he tried to feel useful by suggest his apartment.

"We can do it at my place. My mom will be out of the apartment after dinner so she wouldn't be a distraction."

Kitamura disagreed, shaking his head. "No offence, but your apartment is pretty small for 8 people. Plus it'll be good for you to get out of the house."

"Fine, then you all can decide, I don't care."

"I was thinking Ami's place would be perfect." Nanako offered.

"I second that!" Maya agreed.

Now it was time for the last member of the group, who was also strangely quiet, to be involved. Ami was filing her nails and looked to be in deep thought when her two closest friends at school mentioned her name. She quickly raised her head in surprise and had a quick flash of something shoot across her face before she was able to put her happy face back on.

"Oh we shouldn't do that. My place is always a mess."

"That's not true at all Ami!" Maya pleaded. "Whenever I've been over, it has been super clean! And I can't believe an amazing model like you would let it get too dirty."

"Plus, if we hold it there and it is in fact dirty, you know that Takasu won't be able to contain himself. You'll get a free maid service." Haruta piled on, him wanting to check out Ami's place for his own personal reasons.

Ami went back into a thoughtful look and gave a quick glance to Ryuji before responding with, "I don't want to be studying with that sad lump of a man. His sour attitude will infect my apartment." Her finger was pointing straight at Ryuji.

"Come on Ami!"

Continuing to think, Ami flashed a face that only Ryuji and Kitamura, her childhood friend, could recognize. It said that she figured out a plan and would be carrying that out on Ryuji.

"Fine. But Takasu will have to stay after and help clean after we are done studying. Are you all happy now?"

"Sounds like a plan then!" Kitamura announced. "Let's plan on meeting at Ami's place as soon as clubs are over. I'll send everyone her address later. Now let's finally eat our lunches!"

While Ryuji was glad that everything was figured out and his awkward moment with Minori ended, he wondered what Ami had in store for him. Her thoughtful demeanor and serious glance towards him was very unlike her. He just hoped it wasn't a prank.

"What's even the point of math? This is stupid, math is stupid!

Everyone sighed as the common refrain from Haruta came out. While everyone was happy and surprised when Haruta announced he would work towards taking the college entrance exam, everyone was wary because he was still an idiot.

"Maybe so, but it's still part of the exam and we need to know it regardless," Nanako scolded.

"You need to keep your head up comrade! In war, we don't leave any man behind!"

"Yeah, yeah prez. Sit down and stop saluting," Haruta sighed.

As Kitamura and Nanako were the smartest in the group, they spent a lot of their time helping others, especially Haruta and Maya. As selfish as it was to think, Ryuji thought himself as the third smartest in the group. He was also asked to explain certain questions to the others, something that he was quite proud of.

But it was because of that reputation that he found himself in this current situation. Ami Kawashima slid up next to him and put on her best cute, pouty face.

"Hey Takasu, I'm having a lot of trouble with this particular equation… Could you please walk me through it so I can understand?"

Through many years of practice, Ami had perfected this kind of face and tone of voice. Her eyes were large and round, he face was placed at the perfect angle, the perfect tease of cleavage was showing, and her voice perfectly combined confusion and cuteness to melt any man's heart.

Unfortunately Ryuji was used to this from Ami and was no normal man. He put on his best deadpan face and responded, "You're really doing that right now?"

"But Takasu... both Yuusaku and Nanako are helping the others. I'd rather have you help me anyways," Ami purred pushing herself against his arm.

Ryuji, who was still inexperienced to the touch of a girl quickly stammer out, "O-O-Okay. I'll help you, but you have to stop with that."

He backed away a little and under her breath Ami said, "You're always the same."

"Alright let's see what you are having trouble with. Hopefully I'll be able to help."

As Ryuji took her notebook, he noticed a sly grin that could only mean trouble. To Ryuji's shock, what Ami presented to him was a perfectly completed math problem. All the work was shown and there was nothing to question or explain. All Ryuji could do was look at Ami with the same deadpan look he gave before.

"Oh, did I do it perfectly? I must be so smart! Yay Ami!"

Ryuji tossed the notebook back to her and rolled his eyes, but gave a question look when Ami tossed it right back.

"Look at the actual answer you dummy."

Ryuji scanned his eyes down to where the answer should have been. But instead of any numbers, there was a short message: _I need to talk to you once everyone is gone and before we clean._

Ryuji looked up and was about to say something back until Ami put a finger up to her lips to shush him. While he was always wary of Ami and her schemes, he was quite intrigued to know what she wanted to talk about alone. Maybe she heard from Taiga and was going to relay a message? Just the thought of that gave Ryuji butterflies in his stomach.

Unknown to Ryuji, Ami saw this reaction out of Ryuji and read him like a book. It was as if a light inside of Ryuji suddenly came on when his mind goes to Taiga. But seeing that reaction from him dimmed an already faint light inside of her. One that was already snuffed out before. The fact the light came back at all irritated her to no end.

"Are you sure you don't want anyone else's help Ami?"

"It's totally fine Maya! This is Takasu's punishment for being mean at lunch today. Plus, having him is more than enough and you'd all get in his way anyway."

"Well ok. I'll see you in the morning then!" … "And you Takasu. Don't be getting any weird ideas when we all leave. We both know what will happen if you do. And don't be making Ami sad with that attitude of yours either!"

Ryuji was taken aback by Maya's threats and was about to defend himself when Ami cut him off. "Oh don't worry! I'll just kick his ass if he tries anything."

As Ryuji was still shocked at Maya's words, he didn't see that Kitamura slid up next to him and pulled him away from the rest of the group.

"Thanks for coming tonight buddy. These are always more fun when you are able to make it."

"It's no problem."

"But I'm serious about talking sometime soon. I think this whole thing with Taiga is going a lot deeper than you are letting on. Being sad is one thing, but I get the sense it's more than just sadness."

"If you want to talk, I'll talk, but I think everyone is blowing this out of proportion."

"At least you haven't dyed your hair blond or anything. So I give you points for that."

"Um… thanks?"

"Just don't believe that all men have to get through emotional turmoil in the manly way. That thinking will destroy you from the inside out. I'll see you in the morning."

"You too."

As everyone was leaving, Ryuji made his way to the kitchen and saw an apron he could use while he was cleaning. As he was putting it on he saw Ami shut the door and make her way into the kitchen herself.

With a curiosity that got the better of him, Ryuji instantly asked, "So what did you want to talk about? Have you heard from Taiga?"

A small bit of disappointment hit Ami as Ryuji's face turned into that of puppy dog. Why does he still care for her when she left him without warning? Why was she able to get away with that?"

"It has nothing to do with that Tiger so you can put your tongue back in your mouth"

And just like that, the light Ryuji just got was turned off. He slumped his shoulders and started dragging his feet to the sink to begin the dishes.

"So now you don't even care about what I have to say? Does a ghost have that much of hold on you?"

A long silence descended upon the two, with Ryuji looking down into the sink. Ami was content with waiting for a response and stood there. After a little time, Ryuji finally gave his answer.

"You don't know what it's like. You've never been in love."

"Oh cry me a river. I thought you would have learned something from the hissy fit that Yuukasu threw. In fact, you didn't even get rejected by your girl. Hell, at least she's still in the same country as you."

A deafening silence enveloped the room. Ryuji was furious with what Ami was saying, but something was holding him back from lashing out. It might have been because there was a spec of truth to what she was saying, but he didn't want to believe, so he told himself he didn't know what it was.

"Whatever, I'm going to go get changed. Get started." Ami scoffed frustrated.

"Yeah, ok."

Ryuji held in a groan and took a look at the damage done from the study group. It actually wasn't terrible and was thankful it wouldn't take too long to clean up. The sooner he would be able to leave the better. Maybe 15 minutes' worth of dishes and a quick vacuum.

He was in the middle of the dish washing when Ami walked back out. She was wearing a yellow tank top and blue cotton pajama pants. As has been the norm ever since he met her, Ryuji couldn't help but take a peek and blush a little at the beauty of Ami. Comparatively to the other boys at school though, it was very subtle and Ami didn't even seem to notice.

Ami didn't say a word as she picked up a towel and started drying the dishes Ryuji was starting to stack up next to the sink. While she seemed content, the silence was more than uncomfortable for Ryuji. He hated getting into disagreements with any of his friends. He was wondering what in the world was going on, and couldn't come up with anything. He knew that Taiga leaving was the source of his sadness, but didn't Ami's reaction to it. She supported them together when they ran away together, so why is she acting how she is right now?

During this internal struggle, Ryuji didn't notice the dishes he was cleaning were beginning to pile up. He looked over and saw Ami deep in thought.

"Is something wrong?"

Ami looked up and started straight into his eyes. "Takasu, are you lonely right now?

"What are you talking about? What's with that question?"

"I'm asking you if you're lonely."

Still confused Ryuji wondered what this was all about. He just spent all night studying with his friends. But he knew that she was focusing in on Taiga.

"Well, yeah, I mean… it was pointed out at lunch too. Of course I miss Taiga. But that's life. What's the point of this?"

"Do you remember when we talked about that?"

"Wha…," Oh… he remembered. That weekend was so jammed packed that he almost forgot about what she was talking about. Scary moments, plotting with Taiga, and time with Minori. He spent a good deal of time with Ami as well.

"I'll never forget that trip Ryuji, or that night. I'll never forget what you said to me on that beach."

Looking at Ami, Ryuji could almost see the reflection of the same fireworks in her eyes right now.

"No one here tonight can have any idea about what you are going though right now, but we can at least empathize."

The sound of her voice sounded like the echo of those fireworks.

"They all want to help you, especially Yuukasu. So if you're feeling lonely, then you need to accept that and reach out. You said you'd be lonely without us right? So put your pride aside and talk. Figure out a way to not be lonely, with or without that Tiger. But I couldn't care less about how everyone else is feeling about you."

"Kawashima… I..."

"Because I'm lonely without you! I don't know where that old Takasu has gone, but I miss him! And I want to figure out how to get him back. So I'm telling you right now that I need you and it's painful to see you like you are now."

She wanted to cry. She felt like this important person was drifting away from her. She would do anything to pull him back in. But she couldn't cry. She let the words spill out, but her tears had to stay behind a mask. He was the one going through real pain, not her.

"I'm sorry Kawashima, I didn't know."

He started to reach his hand out to place on her shoulder. He never wants to be the reason why anyone would be sad. The emotions Ami just spilled could be nothing but genuine. This was a side of her he had seen only rarely. He had to comfort her. He began to reach a hand out to her. That hand was trembling, shaking from nervousness and the uncertainty of the effect it would give the upset girl in front of him.

But at the same time his hand was moving forward, his cell phone vibrated. The shaking his cell phone did came oh so close to matching the shaking of his arm and hand. And from reflex, even though he had been disappointed so many countless times before, the hand moving forward shot to his pocket to check his phone.

**New Message: Taiga Aisaka**

**Author's Note**

**Thank you all for checking out my story!**

**Is this story any good? Probably not. It's been ages since I've done any kind of creative writing. But this idea came to my head and I just went for it. I would be more than happy to receive any reviews and constructive criticism, as I believe I have so much room to improve. **

**No idea when I am going to be able to upload the next part. I have the story structure all set up, but the actual writing of it needs to be done. My full-time job will probably keep me from updating with any regularity.**

**Once again, thank you all again for reading this! Just seeing story views makes me happy. I hope you all enjoyed it and I can't wait to get started on the next chapter!**

**diamond-in-the-****rough22**


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